tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60913272926520748262024-03-07T21:57:07.505-08:00One Monkey, Twenty MinutesThe lighter side of the EngineerScotty experience. (Three Monkeys, Ten Minutes was already taken... and I would need a couple interns to reach three monkeys anyway).EngineerScottyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11005863528905991434noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6091327292652074826.post-92201945535865124492015-12-17T11:51:00.000-08:002015-12-18T08:55:40.615-08:00Cthulhu <i>Some Kink-y blasphemy for the holiday season </i><br />
<br />
<br />
I met him in a temple down in West Hollywood<br />
Where they drink goat's blood and it tastes just like Mountain Dew-lu<br />
D-E-Double-U, Dew-lu<br />
<br />
He appeared on the altar and they went in a trance<br />
I asked him his name and in a pitch black voice he said, Cthulhu<br />
C-T-H-U-L-H-U, Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
<br />
Well, I'm not the world's most metaphysical guy<br />
But I got chills up my spine when he said I must die<br />
Oh, Lord Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
<br />
I'm not dumb but I can't put a lid<br />
On why he talks like a demon but he looks like a squid<br />
Oh, Lord Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
<br />
Well we drank nectar and we did converse<br />
About the wond'rous universe<br />
He picked me up with his tentacles three<br />
And said, "Would you like your own galaxy?"<br />
<br />
Now I'm not the world's most theological guy<br />
But when I looked in his eyes, well I felt like I'd died<br />
For old Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
<br />
I cast him away, I ran to the door, <br />
I fell to the floor, I got down on my knees<br />
And I worshipped him and he transformed me<br />
<br />
And that's just the way that I want it to stay<br />
Worrying about death is such a primitive way<br />
spake Lord Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
<br />
Men will be gods, and gods will be squid<br />
It's all a big game from dear old <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sid_Meier">Uncle Sid</a><br />
And from Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
<br />
Well I left Earth just an hour before<br />
And I've never ruled my own domain before<br />
But Cthulhu smiled and he turned me around<br />
And showed me it was Cthulhus all the way down<br />
<br />
Well I'm not the world's most transcendent man<br />
But I know what I am and what I've always been<br />
And so is Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
<br />
Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu<br />
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu EngineerScottyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11005863528905991434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6091327292652074826.post-19792503214543557352015-03-12T13:59:00.000-07:002015-03-12T13:59:32.021-07:00Disney announces _Frozen_ sequel Reportedly, Disney CEO Bob Iger dropped by director Jennifer Lee's
house, and they had this conversation through the front door.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Jenny?<span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> Do you want to make a sequel?<br /> It would make a lot of dough<br /> Now children watch it all for free<br /> On DVD<br /> It's like they never go<br /> They once came out to the theater<br /> And now they don't<br /> And I know the reason why<br /> Do you want to make a sequel<br /> It doesn't have to be a sequel</span><br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
(Go away, Bob)<br />
Okay, bye....<br />
Do you wanna make a sequel<br /> Religious nuts will think its gay<br /> I think our company needs revenue<br /> Producer's talking to<br /> Some hack for the screenplay....<br /> We just need a little money<br /> All these empty suits<br /> Just watching the quarters tick by...<br />
Please, I know you're in there<br /> Shareholders asking what is next<br /> They say "make profits" and I'm trying to<br /> I want to hire you, just please direct<br /> We only have each other<br /> And the folks in SAG<br /> What are we gonna do?<br />
Do you wanna make a sequel?</div>
</blockquote>
EngineerScottyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11005863528905991434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6091327292652074826.post-60694461281977255182015-02-20T11:48:00.000-08:002015-02-20T11:48:20.243-08:00Something every development engineer has been through<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<i>If Devo's Mark Mothersbaugh had gotten an MBA instead of majoring in art, we
may have gotten this:</i><br />
<br />
(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Crack that whip!<br />
(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Schedule's gonna slip!<br />
(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Make the code crash<br />
<span class="textexposedshow">(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Release date's coming fast</span><br />
<br />
When a deadline comes along, you must ship it<br />
Before the project goes too long, you must ship it<br />
Doesn't matter if its wrong, you must ship it<br />
<br />
Now ship it<br />
Make the date!<br />
Kludge it up<br />
Damn straight<br />
Go quickly<br />
Move it out<br />
Try not to test it<br />
Or it might break<br />
So ship it<br />
Ship it now<br />
<br />
It won't be on the shelves, unless we ship it<br />
In time for Santa's elves, so we must ship it.<br />
No one gets a break, until we ship it<br />
I say ship it, ship it now<br />
I say ship it, ship it now<br />
<br />
Now ship it<br />
Make the date!<br />
Kludge it up<br />
Damn straight<br />
Go quickly!<br />
Move it out<br />
Try not to test it<br />
Or it might break<br />
So ship it<br />
Make the date!<br />
Kludge it up<br />
Damn straight<br />
Go quickly!<br />
Move it out<br />
Try not to test it<br />
Or it might break<br />
So ship it<br />
Ship it now !<br />
EngineerScottyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11005863528905991434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6091327292652074826.post-62884202806572178282014-08-06T23:27:00.002-07:002014-08-07T09:35:18.856-07:00Pearl District BluesAn urbanist satire of Tom T. Hall's immortal "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96sQNzJdwWA">Subdivision Blues</a>", just 'cause I love the People's Republic of Portlandia so much.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Down on Northwest Tenth I bought a studio place<br />
With a sofa I can fold, to save myself some space<br />
Day and night I'd work, and I'd save up every dime<br />
Just so I could send the mortgage check in time<br />
The walls are full of holes and the rug's coming apart<br />
My Realtor she told me I should think of it as art<br />
The HOA sent me a bill for eight months of dues<br />
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues<br />
<br />
Someone climbed onto my balcony, just the other day<br />
Knocked over all the flowerpots and took my bike away<br />
The four-year-old upstairs is bouncing off the walls<br />
The county's housing inmates in the units down the hall<br />
The lady downstairs sued me 'cause she doesn't like my plants<br />
The laundry in the basement is crawling with ants<br />
I need to get permission if I want to change a fuse<br />
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues<br />
<br />
I moved into this place 'cause it was on the streetcar line<br />
But the city cut the budget, now it only comes at nine<br />
The couple just below me they do nothing else but fight<br />
The girl next door she has a different boyfriend every night<br />
The city sent a letter telling me to pay a tax<br />
So they could build a statue of some ugly person's ass<br />
They took away the inmates 'cause the ACLU sued<br />
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues<br />
<br />
As soon as I unpacked and I could kick up my feet<br />
They started on a skyscraper right across the street<br />
The ceiling's leaking water from the unit just upstairs<br />
The building super says it's not his job to do repairs<br />
The dumpster's overflowing and it's really, really smells<br />
The preacher on the corner says I'm going straight to Hell<br />
The building 'cross the street has completely blocked my view<br />
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues</blockquote>
<blockquote>
One day I dreamed I died and I came back as a steer<br />
I eat lots of burgers, so it serves me right, I fear<br />
I was herded from a pasture and loaded on a truck<br />
The rancher told me "dogie, don't you know that you're in luck"<br />
They took me to a feedlot with a million other head<br />
But it was far more spacious than my flat--this ain't so bad!<br />
Out here there's far less bullshit and the air is fresher too <br />
Karma is mean old Pearl District blues<br />
I can hear the neighbor's wild party over all the moos<br />
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues<br />
<br /></blockquote>
<br />
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<br />EngineerScottyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11005863528905991434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6091327292652074826.post-87847354988044078372014-05-25T16:26:00.001-07:002014-05-25T16:50:30.717-07:00The Pointy Hairéd Manager's Song<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is one from the old days at <a href="http://www.c2.com/cgi/wiki?WelcomeVisitors">Ward's Wiki</a> (the first Wiki evah, in case you were wondering). The original is <a href="http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?PointyHairedManagersSong">here</a>, but it's been reworked a little bit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As you can guess, this is a satire of "The Major-General's Song" from Gilbert and Sullivan's <i>The Pirates of Penzance</i>. This is about every tech worker's favorite menace, the infernal <b>Pointy Haired Boss</b>, herein referred to as the<b> Pointy Hair</b><span class="st"><b>éd Manager</b> (that's Hair</span><span class="st">éd, with two syllables, rhymes with "Jared") in order to match the meter of the original. As is true for the original G&S, the protagonist of this song is accompanied by a Chorus.</span></span><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="st"> </span></span> </blockquote>
PHB:<br />
I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager<br />
No matter what the enterprise, I can most surely damagee her<br />
I've read the works of Freddie Brooks, Taguchi, Deming, and Crosby<br />
Why anyone would listen to these loons is largely beyond me<br />
<br />
I can produce pretty presentations using Powerpoint<br />
(Sure they may be pointless, but that is precisely not the point)<br />
A wizard writing org charts, drawing diagrams and processes<br />
Sacking my subordinates and butt'ring up my bosses<br />
<br />
Chorus:<br />
Sacking his subordinates, and butt'ring up his bosseses<br />
Sacking his subordinates, and butt'ring up his bosseses<br />
Sacking his subordinates, and butt'ring up his boss-es-es-es-es<br />
<br />
Chorus member (spoken): <br />
Hey! It's "bosses", you stupid moron! <br />
<br />
PHB: <br />
I drive a BMW, though it is but a five-series <br />
When I get promoted next, I'll buy myself a Mercedes <br />
I climb the corporate ladder then I slide right down the bannister <br />
I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager<br />
<br />
Chorus: <br />
He climbs the corporate ladder then he slides right down the bannister <br />
He is the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager<br />
<br />
PHB:<br />
At my company I supervise a team of engineers <br />
Most of them are hopeless nerds (except for one I'm sure is queer) <br />
I couldn't tell a linker script from an object modeling tool <br />
But that's not important 'cause I used to beat them up in school<br />
<br />
I find intimidation an effective method to critique <br />
(I'd rather call it "coaching", just the same, it is a fine technique) <br />
I made up the schedule, so it's their fault the project's late <br />
I'm tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate"<br />
<br />
Chorus: <br />
He's tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate" <br />
He's tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate" <br />
He's tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate" <br />
<br />
PHB: <br />
I don't know what I'm doing, but that's not a job requirement <br />
So long as I can keep advancing, 'til I reach retirement <br />
When it comes to ignorance, I'll fend off any challenger<br />
I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manage<br />
<br />
Chorus: <br />
When it comes to ignorance, he'll fend off any challenger <br />
He is the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager <br />
<br />
PHB: <br />
I went to a diploma mill, 'tis where I got my pedigree <br />
I majored in mixology, sororities, and LSD<br />
Two point six (or thereabouts), I think, that was my GPA <br />
I'd tell you more about it but you'd need to sign an NDA <br />
<br />
Professors called me "lackluster", and said I wasn't very bright <br />
Now I make more money than they do, ha-ha, I've seen the light <br />
I'd tell them on the golf course, but I think that would be indiscreet <br />
I've got a 20 handicap, but that is only when I cheat <br />
<br />
Chorus: <br />
He's got a 20 handicap, but that is only when he cheats <br />
He's got a 20 handicap, but that is only when he cheats <br />
He's got a 20 handicap, but that is only when he cheats... <br />
<br />
PHB: <br />
So I went into this field, to hide my gross incompetence <br />
Considering the power I wield, that doesn't seem to make much sense <br />
It's like handing car keys to a very horny teenager <br />
I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager<br />
<br />
All: <br />
It's like handing car keys to a very horny teenager <br />
I am/He is the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br /></blockquote>
<pre></pre>
EngineerScottyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11005863528905991434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6091327292652074826.post-89082277025554570722014-05-23T13:26:00.000-07:002014-05-24T23:38:39.614-07:00If I Had a Million BitcoinsBecause a million dollars just doesn't go very far any more. <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you some dope (<i>I would buy you some dope</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you brownies for your dope<br />
(<i>Maybe some Ghiradelli or some Pillsbury</i>)<span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br /> I'd buy you a Tesla (<i>a nice electric automobile</i>)<br /> If I had a million Bitcoins, I'd buy your love...</span><br />
<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
If I had a million Bitcoins I'd build a bunker in our yard<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins, you could help it wouldn't be hard<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins, we could put a tiny little pantry in there... <br />
(<i>We could just go down there and hang out. Like open the pantry and
stuff, and there'd be foods laid out for us, with canned beans and beer and beef jerky and things. They have canned beer but they don't
have canned wine. Well can you blame them? Yeah!</i>)<br />
<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you a Kevlar coat (<i>but not a real Kevlar coat that's cruel</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you a vicious dog (<i>like maybe a Rottweiler or a Shih Tzu</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you Jimmy Hoffa's remains (<i>all them crazy concrete shoes</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins, I'd buy your love...<br />
<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins we wouldn't have to drive to the store<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins we'd buy from Silk Road, that's what they're for<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins We wouldn't have to eat Doritos,.<br />
(<i>But we would eat Doritos. Of course we would, we'd just eat more.<br /> And buy really expensive bean dip with it. That's right, all the fanciest Dijon Bean Dip. Mmmmmm.</i>)<br />
<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you a Google Glass (<i>but not a real Google Glass that's cruel</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you some art (<i><i>a Tom Kincade</i> or </i><i>an Andy Warhol</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
I'd buy you a lawyer (<i>haven't you always wanted a lawyer?</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins, I'd buy your love...<br />
<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoins (<i>If I had a million Bitcoins</i>)<br />
If I had a million Bitcoi-oioi-oins....<br />
I'd be dead.</div>
</blockquote>
EngineerScottyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11005863528905991434noreply@blogger.com0