Cthulhu

Some Kink-y blasphemy for the holiday season


I met him in a temple down in West Hollywood
Where they drink goat's blood and it tastes just like Mountain Dew-lu
D-E-Double-U, Dew-lu

He appeared on the altar and they went in a trance
I asked him his name and in a pitch black voice he said, Cthulhu
C-T-H-U-L-H-U, Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

Well, I'm not the world's most metaphysical guy
But I got chills up my spine when he said I must die
Oh, Lord Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

I'm not dumb but I can't put a lid
On why he talks like a demon but he looks like a squid
Oh, Lord Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

Well we drank nectar and we did converse
About the wond'rous universe
He picked me up with his tentacles three
And said, "Would you like your own galaxy?"

Now I'm not the world's most theological guy
But when I looked in his eyes, well I felt like I'd died
For old Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

I cast him away, I ran to the door,
I fell to the floor, I got down on my knees
And I worshipped him and he transformed me

And that's just the way that I want it to stay
Worrying about death is such a primitive way
spake Lord Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

Men will be gods, and gods will be squid
It's all a big game from dear old Uncle Sid
And from Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

Well I left Earth just an hour before
And I've never ruled my own domain before
But Cthulhu smiled and he turned me around
And showed me it was Cthulhus all the way down

Well I'm not the world's most transcendent man
But I know what I am and what I've always been
And so is Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu
Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthu- Cthulhu

Disney announces _Frozen_ sequel

Reportedly, Disney CEO Bob Iger dropped by director Jennifer Lee's house, and they had this conversation through the front door.

Jenny?
Do you want to make a sequel?
It would make a lot of dough
Now children watch it all for free
On DVD
It's like they never go
They once came out to the theater
And now they don't
And I know the reason why
Do you want to make a sequel
It doesn't have to be a sequel

(Go away, Bob)
Okay, bye....
Do you wanna make a sequel
Religious nuts will think its gay
I think our company needs revenue
Producer's talking to
Some hack for the screenplay....
We just need a little money
All these empty suits
Just watching the quarters tick by...
Please, I know you're in there
Shareholders asking what is next
They say "make profits" and I'm trying to
I want to hire you, just please direct
We only have each other
And the folks in SAG
What are we gonna do?
Do you wanna make a sequel?

Something every development engineer has been through

If Devo's Mark Mothersbaugh had gotten an MBA instead of majoring in art, we may have gotten this:

(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Crack that whip!
(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Schedule's gonna slip!
(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Make the code crash
(bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM) Release date's coming fast

When a deadline comes along, you must ship it
Before the project goes too long, you must ship it
Doesn't matter if its wrong, you must ship it

Now ship it
Make the date!
Kludge it up
Damn straight
Go quickly
Move it out
Try not to test it
Or it might break
So ship it
Ship it now

It won't be on the shelves, unless we ship it
In time for Santa's elves, so we must ship it.
No one gets a break, until we ship it
I say ship it, ship it now
I say ship it, ship it now

Now ship it
Make the date!
Kludge it up
Damn straight
Go quickly!
Move it out
Try not to test it
Or it might break
So ship it
Make the date!
Kludge it up
Damn straight
Go quickly!
Move it out
Try not to test it
Or it might break
So ship it
Ship it now !

Pearl District Blues

An urbanist satire of Tom T. Hall's immortal "Subdivision Blues", just 'cause I love the People's Republic of Portlandia so much.

Down on Northwest Tenth I bought a studio place
With a sofa I can fold, to save myself some space
Day and night I'd work, and I'd save up every dime
Just so I could send the mortgage check in time
The walls are full of holes and the rug's coming apart
My Realtor she told me I should think of it as art
The HOA sent me a bill for eight months of dues
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues

Someone climbed onto my balcony, just the other day
Knocked over all the flowerpots and took my bike away
The four-year-old upstairs is bouncing off the walls
The county's housing inmates in the units down the hall
The lady downstairs sued me 'cause she doesn't like my plants
The laundry in the basement is crawling with ants
I need to get permission if I want to change a fuse
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues

I moved into this place 'cause it was on the streetcar line
But the city cut the budget, now it only comes at nine
The couple just below me they do nothing else but fight
The girl next door she has a different boyfriend every night
The city sent a letter telling me to pay a tax
So they could build a statue of some ugly person's ass
They took away the inmates 'cause the ACLU sued
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues

As soon as I unpacked and I could kick up my feet
They started on a skyscraper right across the street
The ceiling's leaking water from the unit just upstairs
The building super says it's not his job to do repairs
The dumpster's overflowing and it's really, really smells
The preacher on the corner says I'm going straight to Hell
The building 'cross the street has completely blocked my view
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues

One day I dreamed I died and I came back as a steer
I eat lots of burgers, so it serves me right, I fear
I was herded from a pasture and loaded on a truck
The rancher told me "dogie, don't you know that you're in luck"
They took me to a feedlot with a million other head
But it was far more spacious than my flat--this ain't so bad!
Out here there's far less bullshit and the air is fresher too
Karma is mean old Pearl District blues
I can hear the neighbor's wild party over all the moos
I've got them mean old Pearl District blues

The Pointy Hairéd Manager's Song

This is one from the old days at Ward's Wiki (the first Wiki evah, in case you were wondering).   The original is here, but it's been reworked a little bit.

As you can guess, this is a satire of "The Major-General's Song" from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance.  This is about every tech worker's favorite menace, the infernal Pointy Haired Boss, herein referred to as the Pointy Hairéd Manager (that's Hairéd, with two syllables, rhymes with "Jared") in order to match the meter of the original.  As is true for the original G&S, the protagonist of this song is accompanied by a Chorus.

 

PHB:
   I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager
   No matter what the enterprise, I can most surely damagee her
   I've read the works of Freddie Brooks, Taguchi, Deming, and Crosby
   Why anyone would listen to these loons is largely beyond me

   I can produce pretty presentations using Powerpoint
   (Sure they may be pointless, but that is precisely not the point)
   A wizard writing org charts, drawing diagrams and processes
   Sacking my subordinates and butt'ring up my bosses

Chorus:
   Sacking his subordinates, and butt'ring up his bosseses
   Sacking his subordinates, and butt'ring up his bosseses
   Sacking his subordinates, and butt'ring up his boss-es-es-es-es

Chorus member (spoken):   
   Hey!  It's "bosses", you stupid moron!   

PHB:  
   I drive a BMW, though it is but a five-series    
   When I get promoted next, I'll buy myself a Mercedes    
   I climb the corporate ladder then I slide right down the bannister   
   I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager

Chorus:  
   He climbs the corporate ladder then he slides right down the bannister    
   He is the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager

PHB:
   At my company I supervise a team of engineers    
   Most of them are hopeless nerds (except for one I'm sure is queer)   
   I couldn't tell a linker script from an object modeling tool   
   But that's not important 'cause I used to beat them up in school

   I find intimidation an effective method to critique    
   (I'd rather call it "coaching", just the same, it is a fine technique)   
   I made up the schedule, so it's their fault the project's late    
   I'm tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate"

Chorus:    
   He's tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate"    
   He's tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate"    
   He's tired of hearing whining how "there's too just much upon my plate" 

PHB:   
   I don't know what I'm doing, but that's not a job requirement    
   So long as I can keep advancing, 'til I reach retirement   
   When it comes to ignorance, I'll fend off any challenger
   I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manage

Chorus:   
   When it comes to ignorance, he'll fend off any challenger   
   He is the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager   

PHB:  
   I went to a diploma mill, 'tis where I got my pedigree    
   I majored in mixology, sororities, and LSD
   Two point six (or thereabouts), I think, that was my GPA   
   I'd tell you more about it but you'd need to sign an NDA  

   Professors called me "lackluster", and said I wasn't very bright    
   Now I make more money than they do, ha-ha, I've seen the light    
   I'd tell them on the golf course, but I think that would be indiscreet    
   I've got a 20 handicap, but that is only when I cheat 

Chorus:   
   He's got a 20 handicap, but that is only when he cheats    
   He's got a 20 handicap, but that is only when he cheats    
   He's got a 20 handicap, but that is only when he cheats...  

PHB:   
   So I went into this field, to hide my gross incompetence    
   Considering the power I wield, that doesn't seem to make much sense    
   It's like handing car keys to a very horny teenager    
   I am the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager

All:   
   It's like handing car keys to a very horny teenager    
   I am/He is the very model of a Pointy Hairéd Manager

If I Had a Million Bitcoins

Because a million dollars just doesn't go very far any more.

If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you some dope (I would buy you some dope)
If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you brownies for your dope
(Maybe some Ghiradelli or some Pillsbury)
If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you a Tesla (a nice electric automobile)
If I had a million Bitcoins, I'd buy your love...

If I had a million Bitcoins I'd build a bunker in our yard
If I had a million Bitcoins, you could help it wouldn't be hard
If I had a million Bitcoins, we could put a tiny little pantry in there...
(We could just go down there and hang out. Like open the pantry and stuff, and there'd be foods laid out for us, with canned beans and beer and beef jerky and things. They have canned beer but they don't have canned wine. Well can you blame them? Yeah!)

If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you a Kevlar coat (but not a real Kevlar coat that's cruel)
If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you a vicious dog (like maybe a Rottweiler or a Shih Tzu)
If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you Jimmy Hoffa's remains (all them crazy concrete shoes)
If I had a million Bitcoins, I'd buy your love...

If I had a million Bitcoins we wouldn't have to drive to the store
If I had a million Bitcoins we'd buy from Silk Road, that's what they're for
If I had a million Bitcoins We wouldn't have to eat Doritos,.
(But we would eat Doritos. Of course we would, we'd just eat more.
And buy really expensive bean dip with it. That's right, all the fanciest Dijon Bean Dip. Mmmmmm.)

If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you a Google Glass (but not a real Google Glass that's cruel)
If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you some art (a Tom Kincade or an Andy Warhol)
If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
I'd buy you a lawyer (haven't you always wanted a lawyer?)
If I had a million Bitcoins, I'd buy your love...

If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
If I had a million Bitcoins (If I had a million Bitcoins)
If I had a million Bitcoi-oioi-oins....
I'd be dead.